Exclusive! 200 paramilitary jobs to go 

February 26, 2018 0 By Conor

Paramilitary groups have announced a shock cut of management-level roles across all locations within the local hood industry.

In a statement delivered yesterday – his voice spoken by an actor – a representative for the Union of Cammunity Redistribution Networks (UCRD) said a decline in popularity of kneebreakers clubs and illicit tobacco had hit the organisations hard in uncertain pre-Brexit times.

When approached for comment, one political representative pressed ‘paste’ on his computer and said: “Them’uns are to blame”.

He added: “I mean…all this talk about parity of esteem, but where’s the respect for these hard working paramilitaries who won’t be able to put drugs on the table?

“I’m also concerned where local businesses will get their protection. Who’s going to stop gangs coming in and intimidating business people now?”

Meanwhile, in an exclusive anonymous interview, an insider from one group said paramilitary organisations are now asking for a degree and two years of racketeering experience from all new junior-level applicants.

The recruitment process will, however, take other relevant experience into account.

Therefore, two years of work as a door steward or six months as a medical receptionist will be now considered.

“We did try an internship scheme, but one lad went to Maplin for car bomb parts and came back with a USB disco ball and a Hello Kitty karaoke machine.

“The karaoke is great craic, to be fair”.

A drive by the organisations to recruit more fledgling paramilitaries from among South Belfast millennials was also recently halted.

“Nah, no more from that lot. We asked a couple of them about triggers. They slapped Kyle, shouted something about him being in some group called the ‘TERFs’ and have been outside selling badges from a wee stall ever since. We’re impressed, to be fair”.

In another change, the process of having to ‘buy your way out’ of an organisation has now been banned.

The insider explained:  “We have to accept that we’ll lose people every now and then. I mean, arson and strong-arming people and wrecking communities are transferable skills.

“Most become property developers, now that I think about it”

When asked if that’s why heritage buildings keep going on fire, our reporter was invited to step into the Conversation Skip to discuss further but decided to beat a hasty exit.